Life throws some wicked curveballs our way as we try to maneuver these twisted paths we take. However, some of us take the time to stop and smell the roses on the side of these paths. I prefer to stop and find something to laugh at since flowers tend to make me sneeze. So here are some of my all time favorite jokes. These are jokes I have heard from several people over time but, mostly from my dad who is quite the jokester. (I’m not sure where he gets them most of the time)
One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.
“How did you spend your life on earth my son?” asked Jesus.
“I was a simple carpenter for sixty years” replied the old man.
“And what do you hope to find here in heaven” asked Jesus.
“I hope to find my son” said the man
“Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?”
“I’ll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,” states the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, “Father???”
The old man looks at Jesus and says, “Pinocchio?”
2) Shall we gather at the river
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
3) wrong E-mail
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile…..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
4) Running to church
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!’
5) Jesus is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
“Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?”, he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
6) God does Artist
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”
A hand shot up in the air, “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.
“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven….”
7) Substitute Organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played, ” The Star Spangled Banner.”
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
8) God’s name?
A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God’s name was.
“Oh that’s easy,” the man replied, “His name is Andy.”
‘What make you think his name is Andy?’ the angel asked incredulously.
“Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.”
9) Finding Jesus
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher. I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked. “No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” “No, I did not Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…”Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
10) Write it Down
An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn’t forget.
Several days later, the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, “Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you’re up.” “Okay,” he said. “…and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries, too,” she added. “You’d better write all this down.” “I won’t forget!” he said.
Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed his wife a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. “Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you’d forget.” “What did I forget?” he asked. She replied, “My toast!”
There is a season for everything; even laughter. Sometimes it even makes life a little bearable.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV
Hope you enjoyed these and even maybe snickered a little bit or Burst into uncontrollable laughter like I do from time to time!
What are some of your favorite jokes? Feel free to share them.