Today is the day that is traditionally known as an occasion to play tricks on all sorts of people. However, since all my tricks tend to fall short and others who play jokes on me get away with them. This is because, well let’s just be honest I’m a very gullible person. So, I’ve given up all hope of pulling off an awesome prank and I am just sticking to awesome jokes instead. My grandfather gave me his notebook full of jokes that he has collected over the years most of them are newspaper clippings and the others are handwritten. Enjoy!
1.) Speeding Ticket
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? “Ma’am,” the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, “the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
2.) Locker Room
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”
3.) Wrong Joshua
This old fellow was caught making illegal whiskey at his still deep in the woods and was hauled before the judge.
The judge asked him what his name was and he replied, “Judge, my name is Joshua.”
The judge, laughingly asked, “Are you the Joshua that make the sun stand still?”
The old fellow said, “No, sir, I’m the Joshua that made the moonshine.”
4.) Wrong way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”
5.) How to treat our brothers and sisters
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
6.) Good news and Bad news
A preacher announced from the pulpit,” I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to retire the mortgage on the church.”
A sigh of relief went through the congregation.
The preacher continued: “the bad news is: the money is still in your pocket.”
On the first day of school, little Johnny’s teacher asked him about his summer vacation.
“We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minn.,” He said proudly.
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Now do you think you can tell the class how to spell that?”
After thinking for a moment, Johnny replied, “Actually, I think we went to Ohio.”
8.) Wrong Flowers
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy”. While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
“Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.”
“But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.”
“Well, what did it say?” ask the storekeeper. ”
“Congratulations on your new location.” was the reply.
9.) What’s your name?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me…I know we’ve been friends for a long time…but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
10.) Not going to take me out!
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
Hope you enjoyed these!
What sort of pranks did you play or get tricked with today?
Have an Awesome April Fool’s Day!